Saturday, June 12, 2010

Taking the First Step into Adulthood

I was going through my old blog posts from a different site which I haven't visited in months. As I read through it, it came as a reminder of what I was struggling with 2 years ago. And how that struggle has reared its ugly head again. I'm bored and dissatisfied with my life. I've always felt afraid of taking a leap. At failing at something and regretting risky decisions. But as I sit here in my office, "secure" with a job, a family who supports me, and friends I enjoy traveling with, something is still missing. And that is fulfillment in oneself. Not having the ability to call the shots in my own life has left me a little bitter towards the controlling factors. I have always struggled with authority. And now I realize its because I feel helpless and trapped, choked and shackled in chains, imprisoned in a gilded cage. I live in a beautiful house, drive good cars,  have bodyguards, money to travel, everything a person could possibly want, I've got. But what I don't have that most people take for granted is freedom. The freedom to pave their own path. It's not because my parents stop me from doing these things. It's because I stop myself and chain myself into a golden prison of my own making. Because I'm too cowardly to pursue an independent life and to face all the struggles that come with it.

The other night, my mom and I got into another heated argument. I've always felt she treated me unfairly and dealt with me more strictly than she does with my brothers. And the other night, she finally admitted the reason behind it. And that was because I hurt her while I was in college. I spent over $30,000 on shopping sprees, on items I no longer have. They either got lost in transit or probably sitting in boxes some place I've forgotten.  She paid for all that with hard earned money, and because of this, she has a lingering resentment towards me. It's unfortunate. I've apologized to her for the first time since it happened. But somehow, I know it's something she can never forgive me for.

I always tell others that its never too late. To grab life by its horns and ride it into the sunset. But I hardly ever mean it. I'm at a point in my life where I feel like I'm running out of time to do everything I've set out to do. I'm on a mission to see the world before settling down. But now I realize that life never follow what we plan. It's got its own agenda. It's hard for me to keep an open mind about it, especially when I've got goals locked into my sights. I never fail. Ever! Once I see something I want, I go for it with a tenacity that sometimes astounds me. And I never take no for an answer. I keep at it, and keep at it, and I hold on to it like a dog would to a bone, until I get the answer I want. And I always get that "yes." But afterward, I feel deflated and realize that the only reason why I wanted it so badly, was because I couldn't have it. And once I get it, I realize that I never really wanted it to begin with. Its a vicious cycle I go through all the time.

I've always believed that we meet people for a reason. And you meet them at a specific point in your life to teach you lessons that you wouldn't normally learn in your everyday life-setting.  Two years ago, I met a guy named Chris. And he taught me a lot of things. He is unaware of this, because I never  informed him of the positive lessons he unwittingly taught me. He shared the struggles that he went through in his life that any person with a weaker will, could not have accomplished. He told me that he was pretty much on his own since the age of 13. I couldn't imagine what that could have been like. I don't want to go into details since its his story to tell, and not mine. However, he basically went through some extremely difficult times and was able to pull himself out of the rut and make a better life for himself. And because of that, I have respected and admired him since. I remember him telling me that we always need to make sacrifices in order to get what we want. "Nothing is free in this world," he said. "Everything has a price." I never really understood what that truly meant, until now. Those words never left me. It stuck to me like glue. I've asked myself, consulted friends and family and I've even prayed about it. I've prayed for guidance and strength. As I find myself pondering those words, it makes me I ready to make the sacrifices needed in order to get what I desire most in life? Am I ready to leave the comfortable prison I have chained myself to, in order to be independent, be my own person, and do things my way? Those words keep looping around my mind, over and over again.

Had I asked myself this question a week ago, I would probably have a different answer. But as I ask myself this question now, I realize that the answer is a very scary and resounding yes! Yes! I'm ready to make the sacrifices needed in order to live my life the way I have always wanted. And yes, I'm scared as hell about leaving my secure and golden castle, I'm even more scared about unlocking my jeweled chains. And I will falter, fall on my knees and even cry over the upcoming hardships but I've decided that its time for me to take the next step.

Wise men say that the first step is always the hardest one to take. Now I know why that is so.

My Bucket List
  • Backpack South America
  • Backpack Europe & Africa
  • Move to a different country and start over
  • Find my soulmate
  • Have beautiful babies
  • Short trips to other countries w/family
  • Live Happily Ever After
  • Die Happy

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